*** Trigger Warning ***
This article discusses sexual assault and possible ongoing effects.
Women carry the pain of sexual assault for a lifetime. When I say this I mean literal pain, emotional, physical and mental. The mind's defences are there for a reason, because sometimes what has happened has been so early in life, at an important transitional period in life or is of such severity, that a human is unable to cope with the full realization. Even if we can deal with what has happened, we may always be surprised by unexpected triggers, and most often our sense of personal safety will be affected in all sorts of ways.
After the assault we carry the pain of deciding whether to speak out or not.
Speaking out may empower us, but the response we will receive is unpredictable and scary to face. We may be shunned by our families if the abuser is a family member or friend, our friends may be awkward around us and our partners may never see us the same way again. If we have to report somebody in our workplace, we will often be pushed out and end up wanting to leave. Many applying for other jobs find that the very fact they held someone to account in their last position makes them a 'risk' to employ. I overheard an interviewer once stating that a woman was perfect for the job, but couldn't be taken on as she might cause problems for the male staff there. If the person is in an important position in the community or in the public eye, their lives will likely never be the same again. Women do receive a lot of support when they speak out, but we also face a great deal of criticism and judgement and often lose opportunities because of it. These are some of the reasons the decision is so hard.
Not speaking out may keep us feeling safe. We don't have to expose what has happened to us or deal with all the consequences above. The idea of confronting what has happened to us and in some cases our abuser, can be scary for anybody, but when our sense of safety has been damaged from a very young age or in a severe way, it will be terrifying. The terror though will be punctuated with crippling guilt. It's common for clients to tell me they blame themselves for every person who is abused after them, because they have been unable to report their abuser. It's also unfortunately common for others to lay this blame on them, even therapists sometimes say something like "but think of the other people who will be harmed if you don't speak out!". It's a horrific burden to place on anybody who has been abused. There is only one person to blame and it is never, ever, the survivor.
We then have to deal with the pain of whether we will be believed or not.
If we are believed, it will be a relief. We might even get some justice. We will receive support. We will also be painted as victims and pitied by some rather than empowered. We may also break emotionally for a while, as the full realization of what has happened to us comes to the surface, defences crumbling as we are validated, but at the same time spiralled into the full force of our experience. Unprotected, our sense of safety may decline, anxiety may increase and we will feel vulnerable before we repair, and then frequently grow stronger than we have ever been before.
If we are not believed. If we go through all that for nothing. If we receive no justice. If we are painted as accusers and liars and met with aggression. We feared this all along. We will be prepared as much as we can be, but it will be devastating. It will be heartbreaking all over again. We knew it could happen so we will try and pick up the pieces and live knowing at least we did all we could to warn others. At least we will hopefully be freed from the guilt. As we watch our abuser walk free.
It wasn't just Christine Blasey Ford, Julie Swetnick and Deborah Ramirez who needed Brett Kavanagh to face a thorough and valid investigation before being nominated today, it was every person who has ever and will ever be faced with a decision to speak out. Every client who struggles with this decision in my therapy room will mention this nomination to me. They will say "look what happened to Ford", and I'll see the hopelessness and sadness in their eyes, and I'll be encouraged for them if there is some anger mixed with that. Then, some will say, "and look what happened to Kavanagh", and I'll see the terror in their eyes. Because they will fear, that the legal system is more dangerous for them now than it has ever been. And it will be difficult to reassure them, because the only person who could correct that at this point in time, is the President of the United States, who severely limited the investigation and put him there.
Some survivors will be dissuaded even further from bringing an abuser to justice, and more people, often children, will suffer because of it. I am positive though that for others these events will have the opposite effect. There will be many who have been so angered at what has happened that they will draw on it to find the energy and bravery to speak their truth. People like Ford will have given them the courage to do that. We also have a continuously growing strong and supportive community in the #metoo movement. A space where survivors will find strength and understanding. We all need to come together as one to ensure that we are there for those who are brave enough to speak out. Abusers need to be held to account, and we can do this together, we can provide an environment where survivors feel safety in numbers. This has also shaken the legal community, with many refusing Kavanagh's nomination, there will be a push back here, and hopefully further protections will eventually be put in place to prevent this from ever happening again.
Today is a sad day. Not just for Women but for every decent Man who will watch his Mother, Sister, Partner or Daughter suffer, if fewer abusers are brought to justice. Today was the day that Men accused of sexual abuse were told that with multiple accusers and without a thorough investigation, they are worthy of holding the highest positions of power available to them. They are empowered and their entitlement to use a person as an object without consequence has been validated.
I realise the above article has been written centred around Women, reflecting the situation that just occurred. Male survivors will relate to everything that has been said, and they will also have their own additional issues with speaking out. All survivors, regardless of gender will have been shaken by what has happened, and need our support in exactly the same way.
